Undead Technical Support
(ring ring)
TechSup: Hello, undead technical support. May I please have your name and
the date of your death?
Cust: Ummmm, yes. I am Vlad the Impaler and I am a GREAT AND MIGHTY
VAMPIRE!!!
TS: Can I please have your date of death, sir? We have currently around
120 Vlad the Impalers on file, it's a fairly common name among the undead.
Cust: Ummm, yeah... uhhh, well you see, I haven't actually died yet. I was
just sort of, you know, looking to see if someone would, you know, bite
me, or if there is some sort of trial...?
TS: Yes, sir. Unfortunately, we can not provide that service. I would
however point you towards your nearest foreboding castle or dark alley to
find a blood sucking fiend of your choice.
Cust: Oh, why thank you! (Click)
(ring)
TS: Hello, undead technical support. May I please have your name and the
date of your death?
Cust: Ummmm, Herman Carpinski, July 12, 1876.
TS: So what can I help you with?
Cust: I need to know how I deal with this whole rotting problem.
TS: Rotting?
Cust: Yes, pieces of me keep like falling off, and there's this horrible
smell.
TS: Oh. Sir, were you killed by having an undead bite your neck and suck
your blood?
Cust: No, some guy danced around my grave a lot and then blew dust into my
face.
TS: Oh, I see. Sir, you are not a vampire as it were. You are what is
known as a zombie, and while I can't really support that, I can tell you
that the rotting smell is fairly normal. However, I can give you the
zombie support line.
(ring ring)
TS: Hello, undead technical support. May I please have your name and the
date of your death?
Cust: I AM VERY UPSET!!!
TS: I understand, sir, becoming one of the walking undead blood-sucking
fiends is a big step --
Cust: NO that is not what I am talking about you (bleepity bleep bleep)!
TS: Sir, if you will please calm down, perhaps I can help you?
Cust: I want to speak to whoever is in charge!!!
TS: I can alert a manager, sir, but they will have to call you back in a
few hours. Are you sure there is nothing I can help you with?
Cust: YEAH, WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THIS DAMN SUN THING??
TS: Excuse me sir? A vulnerability to the sun is fairly standard to all
vampire types, so that behavior is by design.
Cust: It is not! It says right here in this pamphlet I downloaded from the
Internet that if I ingest the blood of 12 virgins on 12 consecutive nights
and gouge out my own eyeballs I'll be immune. Which I have done mind you
and I am still vulnerable to the sun, so what gives?
TS: Well, sir, that is a different...ah... application of your powers. You
probably want to talk to the people who wrote it, or if it is something
specific to your particular type of vampire, you may wish to speak to the
person who brought you across.
Cust: WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP! YOU PEOPLE SUCK, AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY! (CLICK)
You know I honestly hate calls like that. I mean what is with these
people? Is it my fault they don't read the fine print? I mean, ok
immortality is cool and the nifty vampire powers are great, but they all
call me when they can't handle it and expect me to deal with this crap, I
mean ... One sec, got a call.
(ring ring)
TS: Undead Techni-
Cust: YOU GOTTA HELP ME! THERE IS SOME GUY WITH A CROSSBOW OUTSIDE, AND HE
IS SCREAMING THINGS LIKE, "DIE FOUL FIEND!!!"
TS: Okay sir, please calm down.
Cust: CALM DOWN! HOW THE HECK DO I CALM DOWN? HE IS BATTERING DOWN THE
DOOR! AND HE SOUNDS PISSED!!!
TS: Okay sir, are you vulnerable to holy symbols?
Cust: Ummm, actually no. I am a farquath vampire, we don't do the holy
symbols thing.
TS: Ah, good! I also see your kind of vampire has increased strength and
speed and can take a lot of punishment. Okay, is he through the door yet?
Are there more than one of them?
Cust: There are 3 of them! And they have crosses and one of them has a
crossbow.
TS: Well, okay. Do you have a phone book?
Cust: Yes, WHAT THE HELL GOOD IS A PHONE BOOK GOING TO DO ME?!?!
TS: Sir, I need you to remain calm if you want me to help you, okay?
Cust: All right, now what? They're almost through the door!
TS: Tuck the phone book inside your jacket over your heart. When they come
through the door, let them shoot you with the cross bow, and then hit the
one in front as hard as you can.
Cust: Okay, I'll try. I'm not very violence literate though.
TS: That's okay, just follow my instructions and I'll talk you through it.
Cust: (sounds of crashing and muted thunk and a loud scream) Okay, there
are two left, now what?
TS: Okay, throw the one you hit at the second one as hard as you can, and
then grab the third by the throat and lift him off the ground.
Cust: (loud crashing and some moaning followed by some choking gurgling
noises.) Okay, I have the head guy dangling - now what?
TS: Okay, now look into his eyes and laugh maniacally.
Cust: Heh heh heh.
TS: You might want to try a more maniacal laugh. Kind of like this --
MUHAHAHAHAHA!!
Cust: Wow, you scared me. Okay, I'll try. Muhahahaha. How was that?
TS: Close enough. Now repeat after me, "YOU PITIFUL HUMAN INSECT, DIE LIKE
THE CATTLE YOU ARE!!!" and then please squeeze as hard as you can.
Cust: (repeats statement and a cracking is heard from the phone) Nothing
is happening.
TS: Sir, I mean squeeze with the hand you are holding him with.
Cust: Oh. Okay. (wet cracking sound is heard) Wow, this isn't so hard.
Maybe I will get the hang of this whole violence thing! Thanks so much for
your help!!
TS: That's quite all right, you have a good night now, and thank you for
choosing undead technical support.
(click)
See now, I kind of like those calls. I got to help someone, and you know
that's what this job is all about. Am I one of the undead? Heck no. I
don't care much for the hours really, I am just doing this for money while
I study for my Occult Sciences degree. Then I can go out and make some
real money as either an undead admin, or maybe a troubleshooter type.
Support is great experience for that sort of thing because it gets you
learning, and working with people. I know tons about the undead vampire
types, and I heard we are going to start supporting werewolves and magic
users next. Hey, if they want to train me, I'm not going to complain. I
mean, after all --
(ring ring)
TS: Undead technical support. Can I have your name and the time of your
death?
Cust: Hey, is this where I call about problems with being a vampire?
TS: Yes, it is.
Cust: Okay. Do I have to drink blood? That's kind of gross -- can't it
just be Kool Aid or something?
TS: No, I'm sorry, but blood is definitely a requirement.
Cust: Oh, well, ok.
TS: Anything else I can help you with?
Cust: Hey, yeah. Can I catch AIDS and things from bad blood?
TS: (hits mute button) MORON! (lets go of mute button) Sir, you're dead,
okay? You really don't have to worry about that at this point.
Cust: Oh. How do I get the blood?
TS: Generally you bite people.
Cust: Oh, ok. Well, bye.
(click)
(sigh) Geez, dude, read a book. There are times when this job gets on my
nerves. But anyway where was I? Oh yeah. I get to start training today for
supporting werewolves and magic users. And vampire hunters. You'd think
that would be a conflict of interest... oh well.
(2 weeks of training later)
Instructor: . . . just to re-emphasize a few things - we do not support
major summoning or world destroying rituals. And if the customer is a
werewolf and has just shifted and can no longer communicate you will need
to direct them to the growling and grunting specialist. Any questions?
TS: What exactly constitutes a major summoning? I mean what is our policy
if they attempted a summoning and mispronounced the name and got a major
demon lord instead of the minor imp they were trying for?
Inst: Well, assuming they are still alive, you would probably want to send
it to Escalation. Any other questions?
(Later that month)
(ring ring)
TS: Shape shifter technical support. May I please have your name and the
type of shifter you are?
Cust: This is Derek Thorfin and I am having this problem... (scratching
noises) I can't get this damn hair to go away after I shift. There's this
one patch that just won't not go away.
TS: Well, sir, is it a rectangular patch on your chest and abdominal area?
Cust: Yes, actually it is.
TS: Well, sir, that will not go away. That patch of hair is the mark of
the animal demon that currently possesses you. If you were a shifter by
birth rather than by position, it wouldn't be there.
Cust: So when will there be a solution to this problem?
TS: Sir, that particular behavior, as I have said, is a side effect of
being a shifter by position.
Cust: Whatever, when are you going to fix it? Cause I don't like this
hair, it itches.
TS: Sir, as I said this is something that cannot be fixed, unless you want
to go through a leansing ritual and give up being a shape shifter.
Cust: No, you don't understand! I want this hair gone and you need to tell
me how to get rid of it! Have you got that, fella? Cause if not, I'll have
to come down there and rend you limb from limb. I am a werewolf, got that,
geek boy? Now you go on and tell me that secret way you have of getting
rid of this here hair.
TS: Sir, I must tell you that if you continue to be threatening, I will
have to terminate this call and refer your case to our security
department. That being said, we do not have a secret way to remove your
hair.
Cust: All right, that's it! You're lying to me! Either tell me or I come
down there and REND ALL YOU blankety blanks INTO SMALL QUIVERING CHUNKS OF
FLESH!!! YOU GOT THAT GEEK BOY? WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT, HUH?? WHAT ARE
YOU GOING TO DO, HUH??
TS: I am sorry sir, you've forced me to terminate this call.
(click)
(A few days later)
(Loud growling followed by a loud pop followed by distraught howling)
Hmmmm, I wonder if I should have told him about the silver trap we have
for werewolves... oh well, back to work.
(ring ring)
TS: Mystical Technical Support. May I please have your name and the name
of your group, or your contract number if you are an independent.
Cust: My name is Mike Evenstar and I am a member of the Most Glorious
Order of Hiparcthurs and Tolemay.
TS: Okay, sir, what can I help you with?
Cust: Well it's a small thing really, I was just wondering what would
happen if, ah, well, when summoning a 9th level elemental spirit I had
gotten two of the glyphs wrong?
TS: Which Glyphs, sir? (Sound of head pounding on table is heard)
Cust: Well, that is, I sort of changed the 9 into a 90 and the elemental
to demonic.
TS: I see. Sir, can you hang on a second?
Cust: Sure, no problem. But please hurry - the glowing purple thing is
getting worse, and the walls have started bleeding.
TS: I'll just be a moment, sir. (hold music) AHHHH why do I get these
calls? (off hold) Okay, sir. I want you to listen to me carefully. Once
I'm done talking, I want you to follow these steps. First open the door to
the room you are in, step through it, and run as fast as you can. Then
call 555-DUMB. This is the number for a service that takes care of these
kinds of situations.
Cust: Okay, so I open the... (sound of a wet crunching sound, a scream,
and then silence)
TS: (sigh) I lose more idiots that way. Oh well, at least I got promoted
to major conjurations,summonings and escalation support last week. It
means more money, although now I end up with even bigger problems to deal
with. But they're giving me more training I guess.
(ring ring)
TS: Escalations, go for it
Other Tech: Okay, I've got this guy on the line who says that he is trying
a major summoning, and he has a wizard class account, so he is covered.
But I have no clue what's going wrong. He has the sacrifice he needs, all
his sigology looks fine, I mean he even has the blue pillar of fire going
for him! Could you take it, please, because frankly, I am stumped.
TS: Sure, go ahead and transfer him. (pause) Hi there, I hear you are
having some problems.
Cust: Yes, I don't understand it. I have all the materials and everything
appears to be fine. I have gateway open but I am getting no response to
the truename.
TS: A sacrifice was mentioned - could you tell me what kind?
Cust: Yes, a virgin human female sacrifice was needed, and she is waiting
right here all bound and prepared for the demon to come through and rip
her to pieces. I mean, we even have the proper amount of screaming.
TS: (knowing chuckle) Did you say virgin sacrifice? And how old is she?
Cust: She is 17. I had her checked out beforehand and she is a certified
virgin.
TS: Of course. By any chance do you have a young male assistant? A
teenager, perhaps?
Cust: Well, yes I. . . DAMNIT ALL TO HELL, Jedrick come over here! I'm
gonna peel the skin off your back and feed you to -
demon> omitted-
TS: Sir, you may not realize this, but saying names like that in front of
open gateways can be a bad idea.
Cust: What, you mean -------? Why would that be bad?
TS: Sir, I would once again advise you against saying that name in front
of a gateway.
Cust: Oh, come on, no one actually expects ------- to answer, I mean he
(sound of a thunder clap)
TS: (sigh) If this keeps happening I might get written up.
(ring ring)
TS: Escalations, go ahead.
OT: Ummmm, I have a demon on the phone.
TS: You mean someone summoned a demon and he needs help with it?
OT: N-n-no, the demon killed him while he was on the phone and, ummm, it
somehow got my name and now it says it owns my soul as well, and I am
kinda in over my head, HELP please.
TS: Okay, go ahead and conference it.
OT: Okay, here goes.
Demon: YOUR SOULS ARE MINE -- ALL OF THEM!!!
TS: With whom am I speaking, sir?
Dem: I am the Demon Rathgarton! And your souls are mine by the contract of
the fool! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
TS: Well, all right, sir. But I need to tell you one thing first.
Dem: SAY WHAT YOU WILL, PUNY MORTAL! MUHAHAHA!!
TS: notraghtar BY THE POWER OF YOUR UNNAMEING, DEMON BEGONE!!!!
Dem: NOOOOOO AHHHHHHH THE PAIN NOOOoooooooooooo (fades into nothing)
TS: See, it's no problem, you just can't let those demons push you round!
OT: Cool -- thanks dude!
(ring ring)
TS: Escalations, go ahead.
OT: I've got an irate, would you please take her?
TS: (sigh) Go for it.
Cust: NOW YOU LISTEN HERE! I AM A POWER CONJURER, AND I KNOW IT IS NOTHING
I DID! THE PROBLEM IS WITH YOUR SHODDY MATERIALS!! I KNOW BIG PEOPLE IN
HIGH PLACES AND I'M GOING TO HAVE YOU ALL TURNED INTO TOADS!!!
TS: Ma'am, if you will please calm down and read me your conjuring
formula, maybe I can help you.
Cust: OH VERY WELL! (long incomprehensible formula follows)
TS: Ma'am, I think I've found your problem -- it is on the 3rd, 8th, and
21st lines.
Cust: OH REALLY AND WHAT IS THAT MR SMARTY PANTS??
TS: Ma'am, 2+2 is equal to 4 not 8.
Cust: Why you worthl- ummmmm... wait a minute... (click)
TS: Thank you for calling magic support, and have a nice day.
